Closer to the Clouds
by TwerkTeamCaptain
Summary: I am Beatrice Prior. I am eighteen years old. I have been stuck in a deep depression for over four and half years. Nothing makes me happy, unless you count those occasional smiles that come to my face when I think about my early childhood. That's when I was carefree and I lived how I wanted. I never questioned my surroundings. I was perfectly content with my life.
1. Prologue : The Dark Days

**Closer to the Clouds  
Prologue**

* * *

I am Beatrice Prior. I am eighteen years old. I have been stuck in a deep depression for over four and half years. Nothing makes me happy, unless you count those occasional smiles that come to my face when I think about my early childhood. That's when I was carefree and I lived how I wanted. I never questioned my surroundings. I was perfectly content with every person in my life. I needed no more, no less. I thought I had a perfect life.

Then I turned nine. I began to ask questions like, "Why isn't my dad here?" or "When can I see my dad?" No one could give me a straight answer. I guess they thought they couldn't say that he never loved you to a nine year old, but it would've just caused less pain that way.

I spent the next year being lied too about where he was and why he was never around. I would get one phone call every month from my father. It was never a good conversation, just the normal things like, "How was your day?" and "How was school?" I eventually came to the realization that he never cared and never will.

By the time I was eleven, I actually met my father for the first time. I never counted the time he first met me when I was five weeks old because I couldn't remember it. He had a new family, but it's not like I was ever a part of his old one. He had a wife who was twenty-four, my mother was thirty-three. He had two other children who were lovely. I had a wonderful time bonding with them and we became really close. They were both girls, the older one- Isabelle- was beautiful. She had long brown hair and large 'doe eyes', that's what my father, Andrew, called them. The younger one was named Jade, she had emerald green eyes and shoulder-length dirty blonde hair. They were nine and six then.

My stepmother- Ava- and I got really close as well, at least that's what she thought. I trusted her a lot, but what I learned is that too much trust can kill you. She and my father convinced me that we were one happy family and they attempted to get custody of me. My mother wouldn't let it happen, for that I am glad. I don't know if I could've stood Ava day in and day out. She always seemed a little too happy. She was young and stupid. What am I saying? She still has the mindset of a sixteen year old. My mother has always told me that I am wise beyond my years. I personally believe that I am more mature than Ava.

That theory was proven correct when Ava and my father got busted for being on heroine when I was thirteen. Isabelle and Jade were taken away by CPS at the ages of eleven and eight. They were sent to Texas to live with their grandmother, Jennifer. I convinced my mother to drop me off at their house so I can finally tell them what I thought. I wasn't scared to tell my father how much it hurt me that he wasn't there for me. I wasn't scared to tell Ava how she dressed like a prostitute and that she was a horrible mother. I finally wasn't scared of speaking up. I found my voice and I regret using it to this day.

* * *

***Flashback***

_"Mom, I have my phone and if I need you I will call. I'll be fine." I give her a reassuring smile and get out the car, yelling a quick 'I love you' as I jog up the front steps._

_Once I reached the door, something came over me. All that fear that I will never see my father again came back and I knocked on the door lightly, tentative if I made the right choice to tell them what I thought. My father hasn't been there for me for thirteen years, but for some odd reason I just can't help but love him._

_"It must be the last name. Yeah, that's what it is." I mumble._

_That's what I constantly tell myself, but I know it's not true. 'I'm just young, hormonal and I can't control my feelings', as my mom would put it. He doesn't deserve to be my father, at least that's what I've be told. I just feel like I have to have him in life. I knock again, a little harder this time. I can hear the lock being undone and I'm greeted with what I call a fake smile from Ava. "Hello, Sweetie."_

_"Do not call me that." I growl._

_"What would you rather me call you? Little Bitch?" She smirks._

_"What should I call you? I think little slut will suit you well." I give her a wicked grin._

_"Andrew! Your little brat is here!" She screams._

_"You're so childish." I say and roll my eyes._

_He emerges from the hallway and looks at Ava disapprovingly. "That was unnecessary, Ava. Tris did nothing to you." He gives me a smile then a hug. I don't hug back._

_"Did I do something wrong, Tris?" He asks worriedly._

_I laugh. "Did you do something wrong? Where do I start? You weren't there when I was born-"_

_"That wasn't my fault. You mother didn't tell me when the C-section was scheduled." He begins to raise his voice._

_"I was told that you were in jail. I think that is the truth. You are just a coward and don't want to admit it." I begin to get angry. My eyes fill with tears. I only cry when I am fuming. I cannot let him win this argument._

_"A coward?" He asks angry and narrows his eyes at me._

_"Did I stutter?" I laugh and tears fall down my face. "You've never done anything for me. You damaged me. I'm torn, half of me feels like I am too good to have a good relationship with you, but the other half of me feels like I am not good enough." I am so angry and upset, so I begin to sob. His eyes are trained on his hands and he cannot look me in the eyes. "Due to this, Jade and Isabelle being gone, Ava and my mother's conflicts, everything, my grades are dropping and I'm always angry."_

_I begin to cry harder. I sometimes wonder what it would be like with a normal family, or what it would be like with both parents under one roof. I pull my phone out of my back pocket and call my mom._

_"Hey, baby." She says._

_"I'm ready for you to come pick me up." I cry into the gold, iPhone 5s._

_"I'm on my way." She says and comes to pick me up._

_No later than five minutes, there is a pounding at the door. I hop up to get it, but Ava grips my forearm and yanks me back. Hard. I scream as loud as I can in anger and charge towards her. I feel someone grab me by my waist and I immediately realize it's my father. I kick and scream and he throws me on the floor. He slaps me hard on my cheek and I bring my head to my knees, protecting my face and stomach. He continuously kicks me and I cry._

_"Andrew, let her get up! Stop hurting her!" My mother screams at the top of her lungs._

_As my father takes a break from kicking me to speak, I decide you get up. My mother and father continue to argue as I stand with tears steaming down my face. "Stop. Just, stop." I whisper._

_My mother grabs my hand and intertwines her fingers with mine, she's treating me like I'm a five year old, but I am hurt and I could care less if she's treating me like a baby or not._

_"Tris, why don't you stay with us? You know we love you, Tris." Ava says with a menacing tone of voice._

_"Don't call me that." I say softly._

_"What was that, Tris?" She asks with a light laugh._

_"Don't call me that." I say sternly._

_"Oh, Tris. You know you love your nickname, Tris." She says it teasingly._

_"Don't call me that. My name is Beatrice. That's what my mother named me, not Tris." I yell, clenching my teeth in anger._

_My mother slowly yanks my hand and Ava gives me a smug smile,"You ugly little bitch, your eyes are dull and boring. Your thin hair lies limply on your shoulders. Your nose is to long. Your eyes are too large. You're as flat as a board. Damn, better grow up and get a good job and earn some money to fix yourself up." She laughs._

_I'll admit, Ava is a beautiful woman on the outside, but on the inside she's pure evil. That's not very pretty, now is it? Nope._

_"You do not talk to my daughter that way." My mother growls._

_"Who are you to talk to me like you have some sort of authority over me? You're just jealous that I have Andrew and you don't."_

_"You think that this is over Andrew?" My mother laughs. "This is about how you treat my daughter. You need to treat her well. She's a better person than you'll ever be."_

_"You act like she's a gift from God. Nobody loves her and nobody ever will."_

_"I love her." My mother yells and Ava pulls out a knife._

_I close my eyes tightly and slowly fall to the ground. This is to much for me to handle and comprehend. It all escalated so quickly. I can only hear bits and pieces of what's going on. Screaming. Crying. Fighting._

_I pull my knees to my chest and hug them tightly, zoning out. Not knowing what's going on around me._

***End of Flashback***

* * *

After the incident I began to space out a lot. I was failing every class in school. I skipped lunch every day. It was pretty rough. I know it seems like nothing compared to what other people go through, but it's really effected me in the long run.

A few weeks after that my father quit paying child support. He wasn't paying because of his and his wife's drug habit. I went home one day and my mom told my brother Caleb and I they had a court hearing about it (the child support) and my mother explained the whole thing about what was going on with my (half) sisters. The judge understood and asked my father his proposition was he said to pay the 7,200 dollars in 9 months total. The judge said that she was holding him in contempt of the court and beginning immediately he would be escorted to jail. He remained there eighteen months.

When my mother told me... I didn't feel a thing. I was just scared that it didn't sink in and when it did it was going to hit me hard, which it did. I began to self harm. I would grab my razor and replay what Ava said to my over and over in my head. I still do.

I sometimes just feel like I need to feel the pain and see the blood. It was and still is a getaway for me when flashbacks get bad. If someone grabs my arm the wrong way I will space and begin to cry, thinking about that night when she yanked me down harshly to get the door. The night she drove her knife into me causing my left lung to collapse. It was so bad that I ended up having to get lung surgery, and to this day I still have a scar.

I sitting on my bed leaning against the headboard, fantasizing about how life could've been. My eyes slowly drift to my desk and I see two envelopes. I drag my self out of bed and over to my desk. I plop down in my chair and move my laptop over. I slowly pick up the one on top and my fingers skim over my name written in my mother's handwriting on the front. I cautiously peel it open and pull out the letter. It reads:

_Dear Beatrice,_

_I understand these past years have been very rough for you. She's getting out today. You can't hide in your room forever. I understand that your depressed and you need/want time alone. You are a beautiful, young girl who had her childhood taken away from her. You deserve a good life. That's why you and I are going to be moving to Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. Your brother, Caleb, is a student at Penn State University now and is majoring in psychology. He is working in Penn State Hershey Medical Center under the Summer Undergraduate Research Internship Program. I understand that you and him never really bonded because he was never around and always hanging out with his friends. I know he never really cared about anything to do with your father or you when you got... hurt. He wants to change that now and believes that he can help you._

_Love,  
Mom_

Caleb was never around when I needed him. He never had an interest in getting to know our father, stepmother, or half sisters. He was never home. He was on a camping trip with his best friend Robert when I was rushed to the hospital after being stabbed. He was such a horrible brother that I usually forget I even have a one. I am not looking forward to seeing him. He is two years older and completely ignored me when he lived with is. I don't know how Mom manages paying college tuition for Caleb, paying our bills, buying us food, and sending Caleb monthly checks to do whatever he does in Pennsylvania.

Pennsylvania. Were I'll be moving soon. Great. Just great. I will be in a completely new area and I will not have any fond memories of the place because it's my first time there. It's not like I have any fond memories here in Chicago, though. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to leave Chicago because every day I am reminded of what happened every time I look in the mirror. It's good to have a good distance between me and Ava when she's out of prison. I would kill her, if I saw her.

I place the letter down and ignore the other envelope. I wonder what life will be like in Pennsylvania. I hope I get better.

* * *

**A/N: This is really easy to write for me. If this gets a response I am hoping to post Chapter One in a few days. Review and Follow. Thank you! **


	2. Chapter 1 : Blue Eyes

Closer to the Clouds  
Chapter One - Blue Eyes

* * *

I cautiously clean out all the drawers under my bathroom sink. I grab all of my brushes and combs and place them into the bag next to me. I sluggishly wrap the cords around my flat iron and blow dryer. I'm just so tired. I always am. I close the now empty drawer and open the one below it. I let out a shaky breath seeing it's contents- razors, scissors, needles, knives, and box cutters, also known as my 'stash'. I reach down to scoop up the razors, but someone grabs my forearm. Bad memories flood my mind, but I tightly close my eyes and I hear, "Beatrice, it's just me. I won't hurt you."

I open them a bit and see my mother. I let out a sigh as she releases her grip on my arm. "I'll clean this drawer for you. I know it's hard to look at these objects and not use them." She gives me a weak smile and kisses my forehead. "Go fold some of your clothes."

We are packing already, apparently we are leaving in a week. We are getting everything shipped to Harrisburg in four days. It won't be too hard to pack up all my things because I don't have much. It's not like my mom can't afford it, it's just I don't need or want things that won't be useful to me. I end up folding and boxing up all the clothes in one of my dressers. I am very tired, so I collapse on my bed and fall asleep.

-oOo-

I decided not to fight with my mom over moving. She just wants to do what's best for me and Caleb. That's all she ever wants to do, make my life better. She feels like she's not doing a good job being a mother because she cannot bring me out of my depression, I honestly think that I will never be able come out of it. It's my just personality, some people are loud and some people are shy. I'm just depressed. I never had a chance to develop a connection with anyone but my mother. I never developed character. I never had an interest in making friends. High school was easy for me, surprisingly. I just kept my head down, never spoke up in class. The teachers would just look worriedly at me, but I ignored it.

I'm not planning on going to college, yet anyway. I want to take a year or two off to work on fixing up my life. As I sit on my bed, I look to my nightstand and remember I have something in the drawer. I reach over and open the top drawer. I pick up the books and pull out a picture frame. I flip it over and see a picture of Isabelle, Jade, Ava, my father and I. I gulp see Ava's face just makes me sick to my stomach. At the time that the picture was taken, we were a happy family. I had the widest smile in the picture. It was summer and we had just gone to the water park, our hair was wet and in some spots our clothes stuck to us. I had on a white strapless sundress that had a silver belt around the waist and silver gladiator sandals. Isabelle had on an orange romper that was scrunched at the waist and orange and pink flip flops. Jade had a floral dress on and red sandals with a flower on the ankle. My father had on swim trunks and a t-shirt. Ava had on red daisy-dukes and a yellow and red striped crop top. She's such a child. Isabelle, Jade and I lie on our stomachs, propping ourselves up with our elbows, our wrists pressed together so we can hold up our heads. My father and Ava sit Indian style on either side of Jade and Isabelle. From left to right it goes my father, Isabelle, me, Jade and Ava. Isabelle and I spent the day racing each other down the water slides. I smile at the memory.

All the sudden an overwhelming amount of anger washes over me and I throw the picture across the room, the glass from the frame shattering into pieces. Then I begin to cry. All the things that those people put me through, just ruined me. My hand makes it way to my chest and I touch the scar, closing my eyes and wondering what it would be like if it wasn't there. There are so many different possibilities. Thinking out it just makes me cry harder. I drag my self across the room and I pick up a piece of glass, inspecting it's sharpness. I decide it's good enough and dig it into my left wrist. The blood turning the glass a bit of a pink. I immediately forget all my problems and enjoy the pain. I do again and again until my mom comes in my room.

"Beatrice. Oh my God. Not again." She says worriedly and rushes over to me. She takes the glass and I cry onto her shoulder. She pets my hair and shushes me softly. I soon fall asleep on her shoulder.

-oOo-

I awaken and see my wrist is bandaged and I'm in my bed. I look at my clock and see it's, 10 o'clock in the morning? Jesus, I slept for about 20 hours. That means it's we are leaving in a few days. Thank God. Chicago is a place filled with horrible memories that I am happy to get away from, or at least the area where they occurred. I will never be able to get away from these haunting memories, especially because I have a constant reminder across my chest.

Most people would hear my story and wonder why I'm so damaged. I often wonder that same thing myself. Half the people in this world would probably get over it over a few months, but not in my case. Years of my life have been taken away from me. I cannot get the wasted time back. It may be another year or two, but I will be living a happy life.

* * *

-oOo- **Saturday** -oOo-

* * *

I sit in the airport chairs waiting for my flight to Harrisburg. My mother is now in the bathroom and I have on my red Beats by Dr. Dre, a gift for my eighteenth birthday, and I'm listening to music. Currently Without a Word by Birdy is on. It's a great song. I jump when someone touches my hand. I look up to see my mom. I slide my Beats down to my neck and she smiles at me.

"Come on, it's time to go." She nods her head in the direction of the gate and we board the plane. "Go to sleep. When you wake up, we'll be in Pennsylvania." I lay my head on her shoulder and drift off to sleep.

-oOo-

"Beatrice, we're here." She lightly shakes me and brushes a stray hair behind my ear.

"Alright." I mumble and get up. I make my way into the isle and get out our carry-ons from the overhead compartment.

We get off the plane and get our luggage. My mom gets a rental car and says,"We will get our own car within the next week."

We end up getting a Black Malibu and toss our luggage in the trunk and I hop in the passenger seat whilst mother gets into the driver's seat.

"Mom?" I ask

"Yes, sweetheart?"

"Are we moving into a house or and apartment?" I ask curiously.

"I want it to be a surprise." She gives me a bright smile and I mumble and inaudible 'Okay.'

Soon enough, we make it to the house and I'm in complete awe. The house is large and beautiful. It's painted yellow, green, and white on the outside and a ton of windows. I make my way to the front door and my mom tosses me the keys. I unlock it and my jaw drops. It has 11ft ceilings, hexagon shaped rooms, observation tower, tin roof, servants suite, front and rear staircase to 3rd floor. Wine cellar, original kelvinator ice box, oversize period moldings and oak flooring. It's beautiful.

"So, what do you think?" She asks.

"It's beautiful." I say and genuinely smile and then there is a knock on the door.

We both look to the door and I open it. A tall, handsome boy with the most captivating blue eyes I've ever seen stands at the threshold.

"You must be the new neighbors. I'm Tobias, by the way." He flashes me a bright smile and sticks out his hand for me to shake it. I slowly take it and reply.

"I'm Beatrice. It's nice to meet you." I smile. I want to change here, put my past behind me.

* * *

**A/N: Sorry, it's probably bad. I'm just tired and had basketball practice, but I thought I should write, so I did. Review for me please? Thanks**.


	3. Chapter 2: Closer to the Clouds

**Closer to the Clouds**

**Chapter Two: Closer to the Clouds**

* * *

"So, what was Chicago like?" Tobias asks as we sit around his dining room table.

_Shitty. Torturous. Horrible._ I want to say, but I keep my mouth shut. We are eating dinner in his, surprisingly, well kept house. I would expect a 20 year old college student's house would be trashed with beer cans and g-strings.

"It was a great city, but the crime rate was rising and rising. I felt that we had to get out. Plus, my son Caleb is here." My mother replies and Tobias gives a light laugh.

"You left because of the crime rate? We just had four murders in the last month." Tobias says furrowing his eyebrows.

"I'm sure it's nothing to serious, just a little gang violence." My says shaking her head.

"It's the Eastern part of the city you look out for." He says.

"That's where we live." I say referring to all of us.

"Exactly." He says looking me dead in the eye.

* * *

"Well. Let's play a game." My mother says clapping her hands together.

"Mom." I groan and she give me a look of disapproval.

"What game?" Tobias says grinning with light trace of amusement in his voice.

"The question game, but more like what's your opinion on any topic." She says.

"Okay. So, Natalie, what's your opinion on college kids?" He asks with a light laugh.

"If they were all like you, I wouldn't have a problem, but half of them just like to get wasted and make out." She says rolling her eyes and Tobias laughs.

"Beatrice, what's your opinion on drugs?" She asks raising her eyebrows.

I roll my eyes and repeat what she constantly told me during high school. "Drugs are an unnecessary escape from the real world and give young adults the wrong ideas of fun."

"Tobias." I let out and exasperated sigh. "What's your opinion on capitol punishment?"

"I believe it's for the good of the world. If you murdered someone and get sentenced to death, it's your fault, you did it to yourself. I think it's what they deserve." He says and I nod, agreeing with every word he spoke.

"Beatrice, what's your opinion on euthanasia?" He asks curiously.

"I'm not quite sure. Eventually the person is going to die, but sometimes it's too soon to pull the plug." I say.

"Mom, what's your opinion on Harrisburg?" I ask wondering why she didn't choose one of the towns outside the city.

"Well, the house has been in my family for generations. I've always wanted to come here, just never had the time." She explains.

"Why wouldn't you get me out of Chicago sooner?" I say and shoot her a death glare. She _knew_ that I hated Chicago after what happened. She _knew_ we could've moved here. She _knew._

"Tobias, what's your opinion on self harm?" She's doing this to hurt me, I understand I kinda just snapped at her, but this is crossing the line.

"It all depends on the situation that drives the person to do it to themselves." He replies .

"I think they are stupid people who don't know what they are doing. It's senseless and people who do it are idiotic and pathetic because they can't deal with their problems like a normal person." She spits looking at me.

My eyes fill with tears and I slowly lift myself up from Tobias' couch and make my way to the front door. I hear footsteps behind me and I turn to see Tobias. "Thanks for dinner." I sniffle walk out the door.

He follows me and grabs my wrist and I whimper. "If you ever need anything, you can call me okay?" He says with a concerned look on his face, I nod and walk down the streets of a new city I barely know.

-oOo-

After thirty minutes of wandering, I end up at the top of a huge pine tree by the pond. It's beautiful in the summer, birds chirping, bunnies hop through the grass. It's like a fairytale, like a picture straight out of a book. If only life was a fairytale and everything was picture perfect. That's what I would love.

I see someone coming closer and closer towards the tree, the closer they get the more I can see their face. It's Tobias. He looks up and spots me. Then he begins to climb up.

-oOo-

When he reaches me, he's breathing heavily. His hands are shaky and he's blinking rapidly.

"You're afraid of heights aren't you?" I say and he slowly nods.

"I just wanted to make sure you were okay. You seemed hurt and I want to get to know you better." He says and smiles. "Why do you like it up here?"

"I don't know. I'm just closer to the clouds, I guess." I say looking up.

"I don't know how I should interpret that." He says furrowing his eyebrows.

"There are two ways. One; I'm literally closer to the clouds. Two; on a really bad day you could just climb up here and jump down, killing you instantly from the massive amount of impact. Then you would go to the sky." I say averting my gaze to the green grass far below me.

"We're closer to the clouds up here." He smiles.

* * *

"You didn't look at me like I was crazy." I say.

"Why would I do that?" He asks.

"I just told you that I may come up here and kill myself and you acted as if it was nothing." I reply bewildered.

"We've all had suicidal thoughts once or twice."

"More than once or twice." I mumble.

I tried to kill myself once, but my mother found me immediately after I slit my wrists. She took me to the hospital and I was in there for a few days. I was fourteen when that happened.

Sometimes the words I said to myself echo in my head. I'm probably insane, which wouldn't be that bad. I'd get to go be locked up in a prison with pretty white walls. Joy.

"Tris." Tobias says bringing me out of my trance. My eyes well up with tears and I bit my lip so hard it bleeds.

"Please, don't call me that." I say looking at him and he takes my hand in his.

"I didn't. It's just the part you chose to hear." He says shaking his head.  
"Don't do that again though."

"What?" I ask confused.

"Space out. You almost plummeted to your death." He says worriedly.

"Maybe we should get down." I suggest.

"I think that would be a wonderful idea." He laughs.

* * *

**A/N: Quick write before school. They will bond more in the next chapter, I promise.**

**But you guys should do me a favor and leave me some nice reviews to look at after school. :)**

**Xoxoxo  
-TwerkTeamCaptain**


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